Wallflowers of Christmas: the year Christmas changed for me

I was in 7th or 8th grade. It was a couple of years after I learned the truth about Santa Claus, but a couple of years before I got a job and people started expecting adult-type things from me. The Christmas season flooded in with a gust of cold wind and snow, as it always seems to do in the north. On the other side of Thanksgiving, the advent season had long been full of making wish-lists, snowball fights, singing carols, and eating as many candy canes as I could handle. The month of December was marked day-by-day by sweet treats and the countdown for that mound of presents on Christmas morning. Even once I learned that it was my sneaky parents who stacked those gifts, I still found joy in helping my younger brother set out milk and cookies and weaving the tale of Christmas adventure.

 

But on this particular year, in the midst of my junior high years, something changed. Suddenly, December was the month of the Christmas dance, and all my concerns were wrapped around finding the perfect dress and deciding what boys I might like to dance with. Instead of family gatherings with ham and mashed potatoes, I wanted to go to Starbucks with my friends and drink hot cocoa with peppermint crumbles on it. Instead of toys and games, I hoped for clothes and make up and things that would make me cool. I loathed the idea of holing up with my family for even 24 hours of Christmas. Suddenly my parents and Santa Claus weren't cute bearers of Christmas joy  but were rather deceptive, out-of-touch old people who told the same stupid story every year. The same was suddenly true of my church: the same old Christmas carols were getting boring; the quiet dark Christmas eve service made me sleepy and bored; I couldn't handle anymore versions of O Holy Night, bad or good.

 

 

 

And the stories of Christmas were old and quite frankly full of plot holes. There are millions of small children; it's utterly impossible for Santa to visit all of them in one night, magic or not.  And isn't it creepy that Santa knows what you're up to - doesn't this crack-pot old fool have better things to do with his time than to spy on little children? Even the story of Jesus' birth had lost its luster for me. I felt bad for Mary, being as young and alone as she was. Giving birth to the savior seemed like a lot to ask of one person, especially a young girl. With raging hormones and knowledge of sexually active teens around me, the idea that Mary was really a virgin was suddenly difficult for me to believe.

 

Suddenly, Christmas wasn't my main event the way it once had been. I became a wallflower at Christmas events, at church and at home. I watched the young kids squeal with glee at the snowflakes and the cookies and the elves; I watched the adults sigh contentedly at the repetition of Christmas traditions. But I didn't have a place myself. It was as though I were observing Christmas as it swirled around inside a snow-globe, but I could not get inside, I could not embrace the joy or the magic as I once had.

 

{source}

 

It came with out ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes, or bags...and it came in spite of teenage angst...

In spite of the angst I brought to the Advent season, I managed to enjoy some things at Christmas as a teenager. We got our first family computer when I was in 9th grade, and my brother and I created Paint art on it all of Christmas day (until we ran out of ink in the new printer...which at the time was about an hour). I got the professional wooden clarinet I had asked for, which I used for college auditions and honors band and recitals; I cherished that gift. I began baking the Christmas dessert, which was a chance for me to experiment with new recipes in the kitchen. In fact, Christmas came whether I was annoyed about it or not, and it brought with it an undeniable happiness, even when I tried with all my might to dislike it.

 

I wish I could say that my discomfort with Christmas was something I grew out of quickly, but it has taken some time. As I grew older, I began to work in retail during the holiday season, which was exhausting and disheartening. Family began to ask questions about colleges and majors and offering their own opinions about where I should end up, something that made me cringe with anxiety. When I came home for the holidays during my time in college, the questions were all about when I would get married and what job I would have and how much weight I had gained or lost. It can be difficult to be fussed over in that time, when you are transitioning and you don't have answers and people want to advise you on things when they don't know half of what you've gone through.

 

{source}

 

When I graduated from college and entered true adulthood, I came back to loving Christmas. I find such great joy in our traditions, especially at church. I love to cook and bake and invite people over for gatherings. I get great joy in selecting gifts for people to enjoy, and having a few days off is a delightful respite in this dark time of year.

 

I'm guessing you might have a teenager at home experiencing some Christmas angst. It is very difficult for teenagers to find a place in the holiday season. There comes a point when the stories feel old and the magic feels stale; there comes a point when they feel they've been lied to about Santa Claus and may question the truth of Jesus. They are not yet adults; they haven't yet figured out their personal joy in the holiday season. They might retreat to a place of quiet and distance, becoming a wallflower to Christmas joy and festivity.

 

How to deal with your teenage Grinches...

I think the first thing about teenage grinchy-ness is that we need to acknowledge that it exists and it is normal. All too often I find that we lump teenagers either with the mystic crazy children who are frantically looking for Elf on the Shelf and wake up at 6am to open presents or with adults who give gifts and enjoy "O Holy Night."

 

{source}

 

It is truly OK for the Christmas season to lose some of its magic so that teenagers can deconstruct their experiences and reconstruct their future love and joy from Christ's birth. It's a bit like the story of Joseph in Matthew. At first we are told the good part of the story: Mary is going to have a baby through the Holy Spirit and that child will be the Son of God and the savior of the world. Then we learn that Joseph was a bit skeptical and had planned to dismiss Mary quietly and move on with his life. Joseph asks the difficult, cynical questions: "How did this happen?" "Why do I have to be involved?" "What's the point?" And only God can and does provide Joseph with the kinds of answers he longed for. Only God can and will provide answers for our youth: "How does this happen?" "Why do I have to feel joy at Christmastime?" "Where do I fit in the Christmas story?" "Why do we do this?"

 

The second thing about teenage grinchy-ness is that it is a front. It's likely that you won't immediately figure out whether your teenager is truly angsty about Christmas or still enjoying certain parts because it is simply not cool to be overly joyous about anything that involves the entire family getting together. Students might say things they don't fully mean or ask challenging questions to test the limits of Christmas and see what it is we believe. When we get angry or bitter toward our teenagers, we aren't helping them to discover a deeper joy for Christmas; rather, we are helping them to discover a deeper grinchy spirit. We perpetuate the confusion for them that they are no longer children but are not yet adults.

 

Third, we know that our youth look to us to be examples of how we behave and act. When our students see us give of our time and money for charitable causes and church events at Christmastime, they learn that these activities bring us joy and peace. When our students see us joyfully retelling the story and happily singing Christmas hymns, they know that the old story has meaning. When our students see us mourning family members no longer with us at Christmas, they know that family is an important part of the holiday and is something to be cherished even after death.

 

Contrarily, when our students see us stressed to the point of panic over ribbons and boxes and middle-of-the-night deals, they understand that Christmas requires a loss of sanity and relational value. When they see us spend hours on Christmas cookies but seconds on advent devotionals, they understand that the true meaning of Christmas can be found in material things. When they see us bored and tired with the advent wreath or the Christmas Eve service, they learn that the church's concept of Christmas is boring and tired.

 

And so I challenge us this day to invite Christ to come to us this Advent season in a new way, in a vibrant and vital way, in a way that blows our minds and changes our lives, so that we might witness to Christ's birth throughout the Christmas season and the year.

 

Some helpful links...

Because Mary was a teenager...

 

General advice on teenage angst

 

For all of us who struggle at Christmas

 

The magic of childhood

 

 

 





Spotlight: The heavy yoke, and the humble walk

My husband and I are great movie lovers; we see any and every movie with any buzz at all leading up to Oscars season, and we try to see every movie with a nomination {our predictions then become this big competition...more on that later}. In order to do that, we need to see a movie a week at this time of year, and we normally designate our Friday nights to movie-going. For months, we had been anticipating the widespread release of an independent film called Spotlight. Starring Michael Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Liev Schreiber, and Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight chronicles the tale of the small news team at the Boston Globe who unearthed the deep-rooted scandal and long-time conspiracy of Roman Catholic priests and their molestation of children. Here's a preview:

 

 

As you can imagine, this is not the type of film from which you leave feeling anything but heavy sadness and gut-wrenching disgust. To imagine the sickness of these men's brains and the greed of those covering it up and the scarring of these children, is horrifying enough. But to imagine the spiritual devastation of devout Roman Catholics is heartbreaking, and to consider the impact of this publicity on casual church-goers or those who feel disenchanted with the church already is maddeningly painful for those of us devoted to church work and evangelism. There's a fantastic scene where the truth of it all seems to avalanche onto Mark Ruffalo's character. He admits that he does not attend church now, but as he says, "I always thought I would go back someday, back to my roots. Now, I can't go in there without feeling sick."

 

Abuse of power.

Manipulation of young people.

Misuse of authority.

Perversion of the image of the church.

 

This movie was an interesting {horrible...bizarre...disconcerting...humbling...inspiring} film choice for the same weekend that I was ordained as Teaching Elder (Minister of Word and Sacrament) in the PCUSA. To be taking on the yoke of ministry and considering the weight and abuse of such a ministry by so many at the same time is humbling and challenging.

 

Many years ago, I considered that I might be good at being a pastor. I always loved the Bible; I am a good writer, and I enjoy public speaking. That's all a pastor really does, right? {Ha. Funny.} As a junior in high school, I read the following Scripture:

 

Every high priest is selected from among men and is appointed to represent them in matters related to God...

No one takes this honor upon himself; he must be called by God, just as Aaron was.

Hebrews 5.1a, 4

 

This scripture compelled me to begin a 12 year journey of discernment. In fact, this is what my actual bible from that time looks like:

 

 

 

I've repeated this scripture for many years as I tried to discern God's call in my life, reminding myself that it was not about what I can do, but about what God is doing. As I prayed and reflected on Sunday morning, I of course went to this Scripture. My heart was filled with pain for the millions of people whose faith have been shaken not only by child molesting priests but by pastors who did not take their call to follow Jesus Christ seriously. Pastors who favored the rich and shamed the poor, who misused money and manipulated givers, who preached politics rather than love and glorified themselves instead of Christ. I feel both an overwhelming fear and inspiring hope as I consider the responsibility of being a Minister of Word and Sacrament. On Sunday, I spent a lot of time repeating the same phrase I charged our Confirmation class to repeat: "Yes, Lord; I will follow." Ordination is a surreal cycle of feeling hope and confidence, handing over self to God, and discerning God's work. I hope and pray that I can take this honor seriously and be a follower of Christ in this ministry.

 

Here are some photos from the ordination service:

 

 



 

{The questions}

 

{Presentation of my stole from a previous church by my mentor pastor, Don Ewing}

 

{Centering myself in Christ before benediction}

 

{Red is the color of ordination, but it was Christ the King Sunday. We decided to where our white stoles in honor of Christ the King Sunday, but I had to work in the red somewhere!}

 

 

It was a truly special day, made even more special by the presentation of a stole from my wonderful youth to me. It would seem that the youth placed all of their fingerprints on a hand-made stole for me, creating an invaluable gift that I will cherish always.

 

And so...the moral of the story...

I believe that stories like the one portrayed by Spotlight cast Christianity and the church into a shadow; people have difficulty seeing the truth of Jesus Christ when it is clouded by such a perverted and distorted image. It is heart-breaking to observe the terrible ways that evil distorts the Kingdom of Christ in the world. We can combat this distortion through the image of the church triumphant, through the witness to Christ's Kingdom in the world as we observe it in truth and love.

 

So there was all of this happening, and somewhere in the midst of the chaos, our youth managed to shop at Walmart for $1300 worth of gifts for the Angel Tree. This, to me, is the beautiful truth of the gospel. Students raising money for those whose Christmases might otherwise be less exciting, and purchasing those gifts with thought and care. It would be easy to buy a lot of really cheap gifts, or generic clothing, boring clearance toys...it would be easy to send our left-overs and unwanted items to those in need. But our youth spent time seeking the perfect gift, purchasing it, and wrapping it carefully. To me, this is the Kingdom of God in our world right now, this day. I see the Kingdom of God at work every time I get to spend time with theses amazing teenagers, and I cannot express my gratitude and humility as I seek to serve Christ alongside of them and all of the families here at Unity.

 

Praise be to Jesus Christ our Lord, who IS, and was and is to come.

 

Cayenne Pepper Kit Kats: learning to love our enemies by swallowing our pride...

Sunday began simply enough: it was a crisp, cool morning, and worship was fresh and sweet. As worshippers left the sanctuary, they were greeted with an array of tasty desserts and sweet, innocent faces selling them...

 

 

{And people said we'd lose money on the cute factor...}

 

From simple brownies and goofball entertainment, we were able to raise $1300 for the Angel Tree. It was a truly beautiful morning, and we were very proud of ourselves.

 

 

Not all that glitters is gold, not all that is chocolate is sweet...

As we gathered back together in the evening, I had the unhappy challenge of shaking that so deserved and earned pride of our youth group students. Their accomplishments were excellent but God's message for us was one of humility.

 

You have heard it said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy." But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes the sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love only those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same. Be perfect, therefore, as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 5.43-48

 

Together, we competed in some games that pit one against another, including a variation on dodge-ball and a ninja warrior game...

 

...an easy reminder that our enemies need not be our personal rivals but could easily be our friends, our competition, even for just a moment.

 

We then transitioned to an eating challenge. Who will eat a brownie or Kit Kat with crushed red pepper flakes or oregano sprinkled on?

 

 

Because loving our enemies really is like this ridiculous behavior. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and take a big old bite of humble pie (or Cayenne Kit Kats). Cayenne Kit Kats are gross and they burn your tongue and you get no joy out of eating them, and the same is true of loving our enemies. We love them even though we know they won't love us in return; we love them even though it hurts our pride and requires a sacrifice from us.

 

This is a difficult task, not one that we can easily accomplish.

 

 

 

The non-goofy, perfectly timed truth of this lesson...

Fact is, I picked this scripture and this lesson for this date in August. I had no idea that on November 15, we would be reeling from terrorist attacks in France or arguing about refugee rights. As we picked up this lesson for November 15, I had no idea that our enemies would have a face and that face would instill fear and anxiety deep within our hearts. The topic of Paris only briefly came up among high school students; for the most part our youth group was blissfully concerned with frenemies at school, bullies, and discrimination against those of other races.

 

But I could not help be shaken by God's purposeful selection of this text for this week. As I enjoy my first cup of coffee in the morning, I cannot blissfully watch the Today Show tell me how to refinance my student loans or debate about the health benefits of coffee. Instead, I am barraged with images of suffering children, flaming buildings, and fearful politics. On September 11, 2001, I was reminded that life is fragile and the world is not always safe; we became vigilant and worried. We looked for our enemies in the eyes of all of our neighbors.

 

I wish I could say that that feeling has faded, but something worse has happened. Our safety has been questioned time and time again in school shootings, racially fueled violent disputes, and further terrorist attacks. This has become such daily news that we have become used to the feeling of vigilance, of protectiveness, of mistrust. We no longer trust our neighbors; we emphasize our differences rather than our similarities; we build walls to protect ourselves from violence. Maybe in some twisted way we've been successful, but my heart breaks for the world we now live in. What kind of society are we if we cannot trust anyone, if we only protect our own? Who are we if we can have no compassion on people?

 

On a somewhat unrelated note, Charlie Sheen took center stage on the Today Show this morning to announce that he is HIV positive. Matt Lauer asked pointed questions about his behaviors and continued to paint Charlie in a bad light. Many Twitter accounts blew up to express that the known drug addict and party-boy was getting what he deserved. As I watched this man talk with Matt on the screen, I was moved with pity. This is a man with some real demons: he clearly has a chemical dependency on drugs and alcohol, he's been estranged from all of his relationships, and now he faces a disease which will likely cause his death. Would we really wish that fate on our greatest enemy?

 

It is not the natural response to terror, societal anxiety, and fear, but I believe Jesus has a hard truth for us: love your enemies. Love requires more than immediately jumping to conclusions about refugees or tweeting supposedly funny quips about HIV. Love demands that we wish hope and wholeness on our brother and sister, whether they wish us the same or not. Love means that we abandon our self-righteousness and political agendas for the good of others. Ugh, this is a very difficult task.

 

But I want to challenge us to follow the lead of our youth. Because they are not worried about ISIS or Charlie Sheen or refugees, they are looking at the heart of the issue. One student said, "Maybe my enemy will never change his behavior, but I can change mine and I can change my heart." It takes that simple sentence, that simple application to begin the change on a global level.

 

Some resources...

ways to talk with children and teens about terrorists

 

what scripture tells us about refugees

 

 

 

 

Some Confirmation Musings...

The story of Doubting Thomas has always been a personal favorite of mine. I have empathy for this man who cannot and does not want to believe in the resurrection without proof. This is a man who loves Jesus so much, he can't bring himself to believe that he is risen from the dead because it would open him up to feel the grief of his loss all over again. This is man who has given so much to the cause of Jesus that his death means the complete destruction of his world, and he's built himself a wall so that he does not lose anything else.

 

But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see the marks of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."

 

 

 

Doubting Thomas is often an example of doubt and wandering. We are called to believe without seeing, follow without questioning, have faith without proof. So when I went to my college course on the gospel of John, I was astonished to find a lecture on John 20 entitled, "Thomas: the ultimate example of faith." In this lecture, my professor displayed for us that nowhere in this passage does Thomas actually put his finger in the nails or his hand in the side of Jesus. Moreover, Thomas is the ONLY person in the book of John to call Jesus by his true title: my Lord and my God.

 

A week later the disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God." Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.

 

 

 

Rather than being an example of what not to do, Thomas is an example of going through true and honest doubt and questioning in order to confess a true and honest statement of belief.

 

The Confirmation Journey

This is true of our Confirmation students too. The journey of Confirmation culminates with the student's statement of faith and official membership to the PCUSA. We are asking students to make an individual decision about what it is they believe about God and the church; we are asking students to make a commitment to a lifetime discipleship. This is the first (and in some cases the only) time we invite students to really think for themselves, outside of their parents' expectations and social pressures about what it is they believe. The difficult part about being a spiritual leader of teenagers is that we can no longer simply give them the answers, but we have to give them tools to figure out what it is they believe. In this story, Jesus doesn't stand say, "Thomas, here is the metaphysical and biological research about resurrection." or "Thomas, I know you think you need to see my wounds to believe, but too bad. You just need to believe." No - Jesus actually gives Thomas exactly what he needs: to proof of his wounds, the visual evidence of his resurrection and identity.

 

 

 

As we gather with Confirmation students, I often read to them this story, reminding them that in order to get to our most honest confession of who Jesus is to us, we have to ask hard questions, face confusing facts, and seek profound evidence that Christ is among us in everyday life. I think of the Confirmation journey as an emulation of the journey of Thomas: we begin in a place of seeking answers, and we end in a place of ultimate confession. This is what we discussed at the Confirmation Retreat this past weekend.

 

Methods...

It was a beautiful weekend to spend at Bethelwoods Camp in York, SC. Of course, many retreats include speakers and flashy worship bands, and mud football. Ours was far less flashy but full of wisdom and relationships.

 

When we arrived, we played games and got to know one another. We had a small worship service, roasted marshmallows over the fire, and took a spiritual gifts survey to learn how to use our gifts to Christ's service.

 

In the morning, we arose bright-eyed and bush-tailed (sort of...), and we headed out to the Initiatives course for group building and process games. These initiatives were used to help us debrief and understand some of the concepts we were studying. 

 

 

{by working together, we talked about why we need the church, and we can't just be spiritual on our own.}

 

{by learning about listening, we talked about how we deal with conflict with in the church and we discussed how we can respect one another's opinions without agreeing with them}

 

{on an element involving balance, we discussed balancing our faith life with our other responsibilities. We also talked about being balanced within our faith journey, not just leaning on one spiritual discipline or another}

 

{we talked about some of the obstacles that face us in our Christian life.}

 

{This task seemed easy, but was actually very difficult. We talked about how sometimes people and things in our faith are different than they seem.}

 

{On this element only 3 voices could be heard, and we learned that sometimes we miss other great ideas when we are focused on ourselves and getting our own message heard.}

 

{For a couple activities, we even had to be blindfolded, and we talked about the difficulty of trusting God even when we can't see him.}

 

In the afternoon, we shot some archery to relax.

 

 

{Some of us had some serious beginner's luck...}



 

Finally, we ended the day with a long time of reflection on our spiritual journey: we created a timeline to reflect on where we have been, both good and bad, and to consider where we are going. We prayed while walking the labyrinth, inviting God to command our lives.

 

It was a truly reflective weekend which I hope will renew perseverance and energy for each student toward the confirmation process. It is my hope that each student left feeling hopeful and energized, and perhaps even challenged and a little contemplative. I hope that as parents, teachers, and sponsors, we will all follow up to find out if there are any concepts or issues that students did not understand. I am available for further explanation or conversation as needed.

 

Thank you for sharing your children for the weekend. It was worth it.

 



 

 

 

There and Back Again: A yinzer's journey back to the south

My husband and I traveled last week back to our hometown, Pittsburgh, PA to celebrate a vow renewal ceremony and reception. Family and friends traveled from all over the country to celebrate our marriage with us. We were surrounded by people who love us literally every second of every day for 8 days. Here are some highlights:

 

{Photo creds to my girl, Renee, who totally nailed it...}

It was a joy to renew our vows with our dear friend, Heather, at Community Presbyterian Church of Ben Avon, where Alex's parents were married.

{we wouldn't be us if we weren't weird}

{it's all about the shoes}

{All my cousins on the McCarty side together for maybe the first time ever...}

 

 

As we received people in the Narthex following the ceremony, one person said to me, "I always feel bad for the bride. Today, you have so many people telling you how beautiful you look, and tomorrow, you'll just have your husband." I found this statement odd, but I couldn't quite grasp why until Sunday morning. True, I awoke Sunday to the silence that follows the storm. Friends and family began to head home and we ourselves packed our car to head south again. We were left with just each other, and of course, God. In all of the chaos of weddings in our current culture, I think there's a lie out there that tells us that simple trio is somehow not enough. That the wedding hasn't really happened until the flowers are perfect and you've greeted 300 people; that you're not really beautiful unless you've done 10 teeth whitening treatments and spent hours in the salon; that the food and the DJ and the decorations need to be perfect.

 

As Alex and I drove the 7.5 long hours in the car back to Charlotte, I reflected that as we sat ordinarily in the car following God's call for our lives to the south, this, this right here, this is enough. I am incredibly grateful for the celebration, for the room of 175 people who love and support us, for the family and friends who made huge sacrifices to be there for us. It was a week filled with joy and excitement. But in the end, what we celebrate is not the frill and pomp of the occasion but the simple truth that God's love, embodied in marriage, is enough.

 

I have been paid in full and have more than enough; I am fully satisfied.

Philippians 4.18a

 

It is my call, my hope, and my prayer that each student here at Unity would come to know that God's love is enough in their lives. They need not seek the trends, the flashy false love of celebrities...they need only seek their loving Father.

 

As we walked into the door of our apartment, Alex and I both said to one another, "welcome home." It was a joyful, peaceful realization that the south has indeed become our new home, and we are so grateful for the immense hospitality that has helped our home become a reality. We return energized for ministry and love, and grateful that we've found a new home. Actually, we return grateful that God's love and call to this place is enough for us.

 

So bring on the sweet tea and fried chicken, y'all!! We are back!